In Too Deep
by pdshalstud
Summary: On her first night on the job rookie officer Erin Lindsay, and her training officer get a domestic disturbance call, where she meets a grieving Jay Halstead. What happens when his friend asks her for help, will they be able to save him, or will he have dug a hole too deep? Rated M for future chapters.
1. Chapter 1

His eyes are bloodshot, his throat burns from throwing back shot after shot, and his stomach is on fire as all the liquor mixes together. He wants to be numb, he literally doesn't want to feel a thing. He's chasing the shots with beer, and it's helping get him to the state he wishes to be in. He pulls at the collar of his black dress shirt, ripping two buttons off, and his black suit jacket is sitting on the floor, but he doesn't care, not even a little. He's been back two weeks, and has flown to four different states for five funerals, each one passing in a blur, but the one today was slow, and different in so many ways, this one today was what broke him. Broke him to the point where the alcohol in his system, seems to be taking longer to take affect. He orders drinks upon drinks, until the bartender behind the bar nicely tells Jay to go home, and get some rest, before handing him his receipt. Jay just nods his head; at least he thinks he does as he signs somewhere on the small white piece of paper. He stumbles out the door, his jacket forgotten on the floor. When he gets outside, he braces himself on the cool wall of the bar, as he looks at his phone and eventually orders a cab.

XXXXXX

He's half asleep when they pull up to his childhood home. He pays the driver, and exits the car, he looks at the house, and it makes him want to hope back into the yellow vehicle, but it's already driving off when he turns around. He wants more to drink, he wants to black out, and forget. The phone screen is blurred when he pulls it out of his pocket to check the time. It's too late to go get more to drink, so he slowly climbs the stairs in front of his house, and fumbles with his keys to get in. He walks through the door and tries to close it behind him quietly, but instead he slams it; waking up the last person he wants to see, or talk to. He regrets not leaving, but it's too late now, and he turns to face the older Halstead after he clears his throat.

"Where the fuck have you been?"

"Out." Jay says curtly

"Don't fucking come into my house, after you disrespected your mother by leaving her funeral early, disappeared without talking to your family, and walking in here drunk off your ass at one in the morning." Patrick says, and Jay scuffs, and runs his hand down his face. He's drunk, too drunk to have any kind of rational conversation, and somewhere in the back of his mind he knows that, so he turns back around to walk out.

"Are you feeling guilty now, for leaving her? For leaving your family when you were needed most?" Patrick says standing up, just as Jay opens the front door again. He can feel his boiling blood practically melt the alcohol away, as he turns around once more.

"I left to fight a war Patrick, but if you want to talk about disrespect and leaving, want to tell me why you brought your fucking mistress to your wife of thirty five years' funeral." Jay yells a little too loudly for this time at night.

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh I don't? Then tell me who the tall blonde, young enough to be my sister was?"

"She's a family friend."

"Right a family friend that you've been screwing behind your sick wife's back. Good story Pat." Jay yells again, as he decides to push past his father to get his stuff, and then leave, but Patrick pushes Jay back against the wall, and hits him.

Ms. Denton next door, called the cops when she heard their yelling.

"You know I wanted her to get an abortion when we found out about you, you were a risk to her health. And now I have you, and not her. I wish it was you who died over there, instead me having to watch your mother slowly die here. You're a fucking disgrace to this family."

"Funny that you say that, cause I wish that you would have died instead of her." Jay yells, and Patrick tries to hit his son again, but Jay blocks his hand, and lands a hit to his father's face.

"Patrick, Jay, what's going on in there?" Ms. Denton asks loudly as she knocks on the door, accidentally pushing it open. Patrick puts his arm around Jay's shoulder, and puts a fake smile on as he pulls him towards his neighbor.

"Nothing Ms. Denton, we're just going through some stuff."

"Get your hands off of him Patrick." The sixty year old lady says to the older Halstead.

"Are you alright dear?"

"Yes, ma'am." Jay slurs politely; rubbing the blood from his lip.

"I called the cops, and you best believe I'll be on his side when they get here." Ms. Denton growls at Patrick, and gestures for Jay to go to her house.

"Thank you Ms. Denton."

"Your mom was a dear friend Jay, and I never understood why she put up with him, but I promised I'd look after you after she was gone. You've got her heart, her spirit, and I refuse to let that man break you down, and hold you back from reaching your full potential." She says sweetly, after handing him a hand towel, and a bag of frozen peas.

XXXXXX

Over at District twenty one, rookie officer Lindsay as no nails left to chew as she walks up to get the patrol car keys with her training officer Antonio Dawson. Even after yesterday, talking to the man who raised her, and who made her want to become a cop, over a black phone, she's still didn't get any sleep, and she got out of bed to get ready extra early. She doesn't know why she's so nervous; she's been around this specific district her whole life. Maybe it's the legacy Hank has left her, or maybe it's the power of the star she now carries with her, but she's never been so nervous in her life.

Regardless of how she felt at first, she makes it through most of the shift without a problem. In fact she gets kind of bored just driving around, they gave one speeding ticket, but that's it. She starts to question whether this was really what she wanted when she said she wanted to keep their city safe. Her thoughts are cut short when they get a call about a domestic disturbance. Antonio races to the address and her adrenaline starts pumping as the sirens blare loudly.

Antonio leads the way, as they walk up to a yellow and white house in the middle of Chicago's suburbs. Lindsay puts her hands in her pockets, as they get to the stairs. Antonio stops to correct her

"Keep your hands out of your pockets; you need to be able to get to your weapons quickly if they're needed." He whispers.

"Sorry." She says as she takes her hands out of her pockets. He doesn't say anything, instead lightly knocking on the door. Not even a minute later, and a blonde women comes to open the door, and lets them in, and then they're led down a short hallway to the kitchen.

"This is Jay Halstead, he got home a little bit ago, and his father started yelling at, and hitting him."

"And you witnessed this?" Antonio questions.

"I heard Patrick yelling, so I called you all. Then I went over to check on them, and Jay was like this."

"Is this true Mr. Halstead?" Antonio asks

"Yup." Jay says, removing the bag of peas from his face briefly. Then his eyes lock with Erin's, both of them feeling a sort of pull between them. Erin gives him a sad smile, before listening to her training officer.

"Ok well we'll have to go talk to your father, but we'll be back, sit tight." Antonio says next, before turning to leave the house. Erin continues to stare into Jay's bright blue green eyes, before following after Dawson. When they get to the Halstead residence, Patrick is sitting out on the porch waiting for them. The skin on his cheek is split slightly, and Erin feels the urge to laugh knowing that even in his drunken state, Jay still got at least one decent hit in. And as he begins to talk Erin wishes that she could hit him too.

"Are you going to arrest that prick, for trespassing or something?"

"Does your son not live here?" Erin questions.

"Not anymore."

"Since when?" Antonio asks

"After tonight, I don't want to ever see him again; he's dead to me, just like his mother." He hisses.

"Well we can't arrest him for trespassing if he lived here up until this moment."

"He technically hasn't been home for years."

"Sir, we're just going to let you both off with a warning." Antonio says, already feeling defeated, and as if they're wasting their time.

"We can escort your son to get his things, if you'd like." Antonio suggests, still wanting to avoid any further confrontation between this father and son.

"Alright, yeah we'll do that."

"Ok sir, my partner here will bring your son over, if you'd like to go somewhere until he's done"

"Yeah we can go to the den in the back of the house." Patrick says quietly, and Antonio nods at Erin to go get Jay.

XXXXXX

She knocks, and Ms. Denton opens the door again. She walks to where she last saw the younger Halstead.

"Your father has agreed to allow you to get your belongings, so I'm going to escort you, while my partner stays with him." She says, and he nods.

"You can spend the night here dear, and we'll figure the rest out tomorrow."

"Thanks again Ms. Denton." Jay says as they leave.

"So I bet you see stuff like this all the time huh?" He asks as they slowly walk from one house to another

"Not really."

"That doesn't make me feel better." He slurs, which causes Erin to chuckle.

"It's my first night, so I haven't seen anything like this." She says, and thinks _'At least not on the job.'_

"Well this ought to be a memorable first night on the job then." He says next with a half smile, but his eyes hold this sort of sadness, and it only makes her want to get to know him more.

' _You have no idea.'_ She thinks to herself, and she wished she had a card with her name, and number on it, but she doesn't. And she doesn't stop thinking about that, about him, until well after her first shift ended.

XXXXXX

 **A/N: I'm so nervous about this fic, I hope you all like it. I have the chapters done for the most part, but a few need some finishing touches. I'm starting a new job on Monday, so I think it'll be easiest to just update on a certain day. Please review, let me know what you think, and if it's worth continuing...Thanks, and Much Love!**


	2. Chapter 2

A few weeks later she's pushing a cart down aisle twelve of the local grocery store. She's so focused on the list in her hand, and checking each item off with her pen, that she almost runs him over. He looks over at her briefly, a blank expression on his face, until his eyes lock on hers much like they did on the night of his mother's funeral.

"Jay, right?" Erin says, as she takes in the sunken in appearance of his face, and the dark circles under his dull green blue eyes. His skin almost grey, and his lips chapped.

"Yeah, officer-?" He says almost angrily, there's an extra edge to his voice that was absent the night they first met.

"Erin." She says, and he nods, continuing to look at the alcohol in front of him, but glancing at her as she looks at her list. She looks up, and sees him turn his head quickly, and she pretends not to notice.

"How have you been?" She asks, and she immediately wants to kick herself for asking. Obviously he's not doing that great.

"Oh, just peachy." He answers, grabbing two bottles of his favorite cheap whiskey, as she looks down, and writes her name, and number down at the bottom of her list; writing ' _If you need anything just call.'_ Before she tears it off. But when she looks back up, he's gone.

"Jay?" She says, as she quickly exits the aisle. She looks in both directions for him, but she doesn't see him so she shakes her head, and tries to focus on finishing her grocery shopping. She grabs the rest of the things on her list, before going to the check out. That's when she sees him again. He's digging through his pockets looking for more money. She takes pity on him, and lays down a ten dollar bill. He just nods his head in thanks, and the cashier finishes ringing him up. She hands Erin the change, and Jay leaves. She gets her food bagged, and then she pays for it, before she walks out the same door he did. She pulls her sunglasses down to cover her eyes, as she pushes the cart towards her jeep.

"You know you didn't have to do that."

"A simple thank you would suffice." She says, stopping, but she doesn't turn around, instead digging into her pocket for her keys.

"Thanks." Jay says unconvincingly

"So is this your usual hang out?" Erin asks

"Nah, the convenience store near National is more my style." He answers quickly, with a sad chuckle.

"National huh, that's not exactly close." She replies, watching as he guzzles the amber liquid from the bottle.

"Yeah, I like to walk when I can't sleep." He says, quietly, and he sounds like he did that night a few weeks back.

"Do you need a ride?" She asks, she doesn't know why she's so drawn to him, but he has her doing stuff that she normally wouldn't do, like giving him money towards his booze, or offering him a ride, even though she doesn't know him at all.

"You'd do that?" He asks confused

"Sure, as long as your not like a serial killer, or anything." Erin jokes, and it he smiles weakly at that.

"You want to help me put this stuff in my car?" Erin asks

"Yeah." He says with a shrug.

He follows behind her slowly, and she can hear every tired, heavy step he takes, but he loads almost all her bags into her car, and even takes the cart to the corral before hoping into the passenger seat.

"So where to?" She asks as she starts the car.

"My friend's place." Jay says

"Ok, I'm going to need a little more than that." She says with a light chuckle.

"Uh yeah, hang on." He says looking at his phone.

"Here." He says a few moments later, showing her the address in his contacts.

"So how long did you stay with Ms. Denton?" Erin asks after a few minutes.

"A few days."

"So you've been staying with your friend since then?" Erin asks, not being able to handle the silence.

"Yup, why?"

"I was just making small talk. Sorry." She says, before biting her tongue. After about another fifteen minutes they arrive at their destination.

"Wait here, I'll go get your five dollars." He says when gets out of the car.

"It's fine." She says.

"Are you sure? I can go get it, I'm not that broke, _yet_." He says, half jokingly.

"Yeah, it's fine." She says with a shrug.

"Alright, well thanks for the ride, and the whiskey."

"No problem." She says, looking into his eyes one last time as he nods. Then he's walking towards the door of the tall, tan brick building.

"Wait, Jay?" She yells, getting him to turn around.

"Here's my number if you ever need a ride, or anything just give me a call."

"Yeah, uh, ok." He says giving her a crooked smile much like the one he flashed her on the night they met, as he takes the little piece of paper from her hand. Then he walks inside, and she drives off.

XXXXXX

A week later she's just walking into her apartment after getting off work, and her phone rings. She looks down at it, and thinks about ignoring it, but something tells her to answer.

"Hello?" She says seriously.

"Hi uh, is this Erin?" She hears the person on the other end of the phone ask.

"Who is this?" She asks, ignoring his question.

"My name's Greg, I uh." He says stumbling over his words.

"I'm Jay Halstead's roommate."

"Ok, can I help you?" She asks, concerned.

"I uh, I hope so." He says, and she's afraid to ask what he means, but she doesn't get the chance to as Greg continues to talk.

"Jay, he's uh, we're both pretty messed up, but he doesn't look good."

"Ok Greg where are you?"

"At my uh, at my apartment." He says, and she recites the address she dropped Jay off at last week, and he says yes, and she walks back out of her apartment, and rushes to her car. She turns the key in the ignition, and the rev of the engine seemingly jump starts her heart. Adrenaline pumping through her veins as if she was on a high speed chase or in pursuit of a suspect. She feels like she did her first night on the job, when they got the domestic disturbance call that to her meeting him. She hopes that Jay's ok, but when she gets there, and walks into the dimly lit apartment, her heart sinks and a chill runs down her spine, having not seen someone in his state since she was a teenager.


	3. Chapter 3

"Ok Greg, what apartment are you guys in?" She asks, not having hung up on the drive over to their apartment.

"Uh 3B, I think."

"Ok, can you go check for me?"

"Yeah." He says, and then she can hear him putting the phone down.

"Yeah it's 3B." He says into the phone.

"Alright, well I'm almost there, how is Jay doing?"

"He's the same, he's really cold, and he keeps vomiting."

"Ok I'm coming up Greg, can you make sure the door's open please?" She says, as she parks her car, and takes her keys out of the ignition, and shoving them in her pocket as she closes and locks the doors. Then she enters the building quickly. She decides to take the stairs, not wanting to wait for the elevator.

"Erin?" A short, thin guy with brown hair, and big bright blue eyes says as she gets to the third floor.

"Yeah, Greg, where is he?"

"In the, in the bathroom." Greg says nervously.

"Hey Jay." She says cautiously as she enters the small, dimly lit bathroom. She squats down next to him, as he vomits next to the toilet.

" _He's not overdosing, he's showing signs of alcohol poisoning."_ She thinks to herself, feeling his cold, clammy skin, as she turns him onto his side so he won't choke on his own vomit.

"Can you get me a blanket for him?" She asks, and he nods, and leaves. He comes back, and hands her a red fleece blanket. She wraps the soft material around Jay's shivering body.

"How long has he been like this?" She asks next.

"He started stumbling around, and just before I called, he came in here, and collapsed, and started puking all over." Greg says

"Well I have to call an ambulance."

"What? No, I called you to avoid that." Greg yells as he shakes his head vigorously.

"Greg, if I don't get him to a hospital, he could die, and I know you don't want that otherwise you wouldn't have called."

"He's like a brother to me, the only family I have."

"And I don't want you to lose him, so I'm going to call an ambulance, ok?" She says, and asks, and Greg nods. She pulls out her phone, and calls for an ambulance.

"When did he start showing these symptoms?" The female paramedic asks them as soon as they walk into the apartment and they start to load him onto the gurney.

"Uh about a half hour ago." Erin says, looking at Jay before looking over at Mouse.

"And how much alcohol has he consumed?"

"I don't know." Greg says quietly.

"Can you give me an estimate?" The blonde then asks.

"maybe 2 six packs of beer and 2 bottles of whiskey" Mouse answers as they get Jay to the ambulance.

"Has he eaten anything?" The male paramedic then asks, and Mouse shakes his.

"Not that I've seen." He says quietly.

"I'm going to meet you at the hospital." Erin says as they finish getting Jay in. Mouse nods, but doesn't take his eyes off of his best friend. They intubate Jay, and start him on intravenous fluids on the drive to the hospital. Jay starts seizing a couple minutes into the drive, and Mouse scoots back, and puts his head in his hands, and unconsciously rocks. It's all a blur to him, as the paramedics continue to ask questions, and inform him of what they're doing, but he doesn't hear them.

XXXXXX

When they get to the hospital. They decide to pump his stomach of any remaining alcohol, and start him on different kinds of vitamins, and glucose to stop him from seizing anymore.

When Erin gets there, she goes to the desk of the E.D. and asks for an update on Jay.

"The doctors got him stable, but they need to run some tests."

"How long will he have to stay?"

"A few days."

"Ok, is his friend still with him?" Erin asks next

"They would have had anyone that rode in with him, stay out here." The nurse answers, and Erin nods.

"Thanks." Erin says before going to look for Mouse. She searches the waiting room, and the around outside of the hospital, but she doesn't find him.

She calls Jay's phone, knowing it's still with Greg; while she walks to her car. She hoped he'd answer, but he doesn't so she just waits until she gets back to the apartment building to talk to him.

XXXXXX

"Greg?" She says, into the apartment; the door open a crack. She knocks, and it opens a little more

"Greg, it's Erin, I'm coming in ok." She says before entering the apartment.

"Greg?" She says again as she walks to the rooms.

She debates between going home, taking a shower, and passing out on her bed, or going back to the hospital as she puts the key into the ignition once again. She makes up her mind quickly, before putting the car in drive.

XXXXXX

She walks down the hall, and walks straight to his room. She asks the nurse if there are any updates, and she informs Erin that he started seizing again, but they upped his glucose in hopes that it'll actually stop the seizures.

"Thank you." Erin says as she goes to walk into the room, but the nurse stops her.

"Visiting hours are actually over ma'am, and I can't let you stay unless you're family." The nurse says next.

"Oh uh, of course, no I'm not family. Sorry" Erin says, and she thinks _'I'm actually no one to him.'_

"If you come back in about four hours, you can go in to see him." The nurse adds finally, before she walks off.

"Thanks." Erin says quietly.

She looks into the room where the handsome stranger lays, and then looks down as she once again exits the hospital. She drives home, the image of his blue green eyes stuck in her head. When she gets to her apartment, she goes to take a shower, and then lay down. But regardless of how exhausted she is, she can't fall asleep. So she just lays there for a little while, before getting up, and grabbing her laptop. Once it powers up, she pulls up the search engine, and she thinks about the Rangers tattoo on Jay's arm briefly before typing in _'Rehab Chicago IL'_

A handful pop up, and one in particular she sticks out from when she was a teenager. She writes that one down, along with the Chicago area Veterans Affairs Hospital, and Rehab facility.

XXXXXX

Two days later, after a long shift, and a few hours sleep, she goes to see him. She's not sure what to expect, as she slowly walks into his room.

"What are you doing here?" He asks as she comes to a stop at the door.

"I was just coming to check on you." She answers innocently

"Why?" He spits

"Well you almost died, and I was just following up, but I came, I saw. Here's some places I found for you. Have a nice life." She says, taking the hint that he doesn't want visitors.

"You don't even know me." He says quietly, just before she walks out. When she turns around he's looking at the piece of paper she handed him.

"So that means I can't help you?" Erin asks.

"Who says I need help?" He asks angrily

"You did when you tried drinking yourself into an early grave."

"How'd you know I was here?" He then asks

"Greg called me, and I went to his apartment, and then I called the ambulance."

"Mouse? Where is he, is he ok? You didn't take him in did you?" He says, and she's confused, but she realizes that Mouse, and Greg are the same guy.

"He was fine when we left. He was really worried about you, but by the time they got you stable he was gone. I went back to the apartment after, but he wasn't there." She answers, taking in the worried look on his face.

"Shit." He says, starting to get out of the bed.

"I don't think you should be going anywhere." She says, but it's almost as if it falls on deaf ears, as he continues to get out of bed.

"I'm fine, I need to go make sure he's ok." He says sternly, and she looks at him seriously, but she eventually nods.

"Do you need a ride?" She asks

"Please?" Jay says, and she nods again, before walking back out of the hospital. She thinks _'What am I getting myself into.'_ as she climbs into her car.

Inside Jay is getting dressed, when one of the nurses comes in advising him to get back in bed, he simply ignores her, determined to find his friend, and make sure he's ok.

"Mr Halstead." The petite blonde says again, as he walks out.

He comes out in a hurry, and he's a little out of breath as he gets in her car which she had parked right outside the entrance.

"Are you're ok to leave?" She asks.

"Yeah I'm fine, we just need to find him." He says and she looks at him expectantly

"Where to?"

"Can we go to Grant park? He goes there sometimes when he's upset." He says

"Yeah." She says heading in the direction of the park.

They go there, and search the small park, but he's not there.

"Ok, maybe we can try this bar by his place." He says when they get back into her Jeep.

"You really think he'll go out drinking after seeing what happened to you?"

"Yes, it'd probably push him to go out drinking." He says and she nods and drives to the bar he's referring to. They get there, and she begins to unbuckle her seat belt but he stops her.

"Stay here." Taking a look at the eerie, run down bar, before looking back at her.

"I know you can probably hold your own, but just stay here." He says, before getting out of the car. She gives a couple minutes she starts to out of the car, but just then he comes back out by himself.

"He's not here either." He says as sits back down in the passenger seat, and pinches the bridge of his nose.

"Should we try the apartment again?" Erin asks.

"Yeah." He says, and she puts the car in drive. They get there quickly, and they climb the stairs to the third floor.

He goes to open the door, but it's locked. He knocks, but no one answers, and in this moment he's impatient, so he gently pushes Erin back a little before kicking down the flimsy door with ease.

"Greg?" Jay says much like Erin did the morning before.

The response is a weak groan coming from the back of the apartment, Erin and Jay go to him quickly.

"Greg, what'd you take?" Jay asks when he him sees sitting up, on the floor, against the wall.

"I thought you were going to die." The smaller man slurs.

"Jay." Erin says, picking up the pill bottle just a few feet away from them.

"Mouse how many of these did you take?" Jay asks next, and Greg just groans.

"Can you get him to the bathroom?" Erin asks, and Jay nods.

"Ok, I'm to go start the shower." She says next, before leaving them.

She gets the cold water running, and yells for Jay to bring him in. He comes in, seconds later, and puts his friend into the tub. Erin goes back to the bedroom, and looks at the orange bottle of pills. The label said there was fifty pills, so she takes the remaining pills out, and counts them. There's forty four, she takes a deep breath, before replacing the pills, and putting the bottle in her pocket to throw away when she leaves.

"Jay he took six pills."

"And he just threw up four of them."

"What?" She asks as she walks further into the bathroom.

"Those little white things are the pills, right?" He asks pointing at the vomit on the side of the tub, and Erin nods.

"Yeah it looks like it."

"So he should be ok." He states

"I hope so." She says

XXXXXX

Neither of them know how long it takes for Greg to start coming down from his high, but they both feel a sense of relief when he starts talking to them. Jay ends up nodding his head towards the door when Greg starts talking someone named Joe.

"You should probably go."

"You know, you have a funny way of saying thank you."

"Thanks, but you should really go." He says next

"Right." Erin says, making sure she has her phone, and keys before going towards the door.

"Wait." Jay says with a defeated sigh, just before she walks through the doorway. He says it so quietly she almost doesn't hear him. She turns her head towards him, her eyebrows furrow as she looks at him.

"We'll go." He adds as he looks down at the floor.

"The VA hospital, and rehab, we'll go." He says, and she nods.


	4. Chapter 4

Erin offered to drive them to the rehab, and he thought about declining, and pushing her away; not wanting her to get anymore involved, but she was already a part of this.

"That'd be great, thanks." He says, his voice quiet again, before he goes to pack the few things he, and Mouse have into their own duffel bags.

Jay, and Erin help Mouse down to her car, and sit him in the back seat. Jay hops into the passenger seat, as Erin pulls up the address on her phone.

"So what made you change your mind?" Erin asks after driving for a few minutes.

"This isn't the first time he's gotten like this, but this is probably the worst. And I feel like I'm responsible for _this_ , I pushed him to this." He says, looking back at his friend in the back seat. Erin pulls over to the side of the road, and parks the car. Jay looks around confused, before meeting her eyes.

"You're doing the right thing, getting help for both of you is the right thing, and you'll both get through this together." She says, and he nods, before looking out the window beside him, and she looks at Greg, and then Jay, before shifting the car back into drive.

When they get there, Erin puts the car in park again, and turns it off, before going to unbuckle her seatbelt, but Jay stills her like he did early at the bar. The feeling of their skin touching, does something to both of them, but they both pull their hands away as if they were just burned.

"I uh, maybe you should just drop us off here." Jay says, and Erin looks at him confused.

"Are you sure?" She asks him.

"Yeah, thanks." He says

"For everything." He adds.

"Look Jay, I may not know you, or anything that you've been through, but if you need me for anything, just call." She says, and he nods once again, before getting out of the car. He helps his friend out of the back seat, and grabs the duffel bags with his free hand; closing the door with his foot, and walking up to the large hospital building. Erin waits until she sees them walk inside to turn the car back on, and as she's driving away she sees Jay give her a half smile, and a nod of his head as he helps Greg into a wheelchair.

XXXXXX

He takes it day by day, telling himself it'll get better, but by the fourth day he just needs a drink. He thought that the rehab would help, but it's only making it worse. So he leaves, sneaking out at dinner. He goes to this place called Molly's, and sits down at the bar, and anxiously waits to order a glass of amber liquid.

When the silver haired man behind the bar, gets to him, Jay orders two glasses of whiskey.

He's not sure how many he has, before he hears a voice that has become somewhat familiar. A raspy, but beautiful voice says his name, and has him spinning around in the stool.

"Erin?" He says

"What are you doing here?" She asks

"I just needed a drink, so I walked over." He answers with a shrug.

"Erin you know this clown?" A dark haired, blue eyed guy, dressed in a grey firefighter shirt, and jeans says as he walks to stand next to her. Jay lets out a scuff, and the guy next to Erin raises his eyebrow at him.

"You got something to say?" The guy standing across from Jay says, and Erin mumbles something, but Jay can't hear her. He spins back around, and pays his tab, before he stands up.

"Nah, I was actually just leaving." Jay says, giving the fireman a delayed response, as he brushes shoulders with him.

"Kelly don't." Jay hears Erin desperately say, just before he feels a hand on his shoulder. Jay turns around, and a fist immediately connects with his jaw, he rubs his hand over the slight stubble on his jawline, as he stands up straight, and swings at the fireman; hitting him twice, then three times. Jay hears Erin call out the fireman's name a few times, before she says Jay with a please after it. He doesn't know why, but something about the way she says his name has him calming down, and stepping back, just as some other guys come to hold the fireman back. Jay turns to walk out of the bar again, but this time no one stops him. He walks back the way he came, but he only gets about block away before he hears her calling his name again.

"Jay." She says, but he ignores her.

"Jay, I know you can hear me." She says frustrated.

"What do you want from me Erin?" He snaps, as he looks at her. He can tell she's really thinking,

"I want to help." She says.

"You've helped enough." He yells, and she parks her car, and runs over to him.

"Jay, what were you doing there?"

"Isn't that quite obvious?" He says, and she rolls her eyes.

"Then why even go to the rehab, if you were just going to give up after a few days?"

"I just needed a quick fix." He answers

"And how is that going to help?"

"Why are you following me, don't you have a boyfriend who's boo boos you should be kissing better?"

"He's not my boyfriend." She says. ' _Good cause you deserve better.'_ He thinks to himself, missing what she said next.

"Hello?"

"Sorry I wasn't listening." He says honestly

"Where are you going now?"

"Back to the rehab".

"I'll drive you." She says, and he stops walking then. He turns his body towards her, and puts his hands on her shoulders.

"I get that you're a cop, and you want to make the world a better place, and all, but I don't need your help." He says calmly, and he can see that his words both anger her, and make her sad.

"Right." She says, looking down.

"I uh, I'm sorry. Goodbye Jay." She says sadly, before walking back to her car. He watches as she climbs into her car, and drives off. He walks back to the rehab, feeling awful, and he's not sure if it's the alcohol in his system, or regret of pushing her away. _'Its better this way, she's better off.'_ He says quietly to himself as he looks back in the direction he just walked from, and waits for the doors to be unlocked. Once inside, he sulks back to his room, ignoring the questions, and comments of the night staff at the rehab. He lays down on the small, uncomfortable bed, and just stares at the ceiling, still thinking of Erin.


	5. Chapter 5

Another few weeks go by, and both Jay and Mouse get into a routine at the rehab, and even have a bit of free time in between therapy, and group sessions. Jay goes to the facility's gym whenever he can, and Mouse goes to the computer lab doing things that Jay doesn't quite understand. Every once in a while, Jay convinces Mouse to go to the gym too. Today is one of those days.

Jay's spotting Mouse while he's doing chest presses.

"You know I'd feel a lot better if you were actually paying attention to the bar."

"I am paying attention."

"Bullshit." Mouse says quietly, as he sets the bar on the hooks that hold it in place on the rack. He then sits up, and takes a sip of his water.

"You haven't been able to truly focus on anything since that night you snuck out of here. Which is also around the last time that either of us have heard from a certain green eyed beauty." Mouse adds as he switches spots with Jay.

"That is quite the theory, you've concocted there Mouse." Jay says, with a chuckle, as he lifts the bar off the rack.

"You know I'm right." Mouse says, and Jay just finishes his set.

"No you're not." Jay says when he's done.

"Whatever happened that night, you shouldn't have pushed her away Jay. You can't push everyone away." Mouse says next, and Jay moves on to the treadmills.

"We don't even know each other Mouse."

"You didn't give her a chance to get to know you."

"I don't want her to get to know me, nothing good will come of it."

"Either you call her, or I will for you."

"Yeah right, you'll call her? The only time you talk to women is when you're either drunk or high, which I know you are neither."

"I _preferred_ to talk to them drunk or high, but that doesn't mean that I can't talk to them when I'm not." Mouse defends

"Sure." Jay says with an eye roll, as he starts running a little faster, wanting this conversation to end.

XXXXXX

A couple hours later, while Jay is with his group, Mouse goes to the phone in hall closest to their room. He looks around him, before dialing the number written down on the little scrap of paper. It rings a few times before she picks up.

"Lindsay." She says into the phone.

"Hey, uh Ms. Lindsay this is Mouse, well you know me as Greg, I think, but you can call me Mouse if you-" He begins to ramble nervously.

"You can call me Erin, and is everything ok, Mouse?"

"Yeah, um well I guess. I was calling to ask you to come talk to Jay."

"Oh, he told you to call me?"

"Not exactly." Mouse says honestly.

"Ok, well it was nice hearing from you, but-"

"Look I don't know what happened between you guys, but-" He says, and Erin sighs, and thinks for a moment.

"Nothing happened."

"Right, well then you shouldn't have a problem coming to see him, right?" He says, and she huffs.

"He doesn't need or want my help Mouse, he made that clear, so I'm respecting his wishes and leaving him alone." She says back.

"He may have said that, but he didn't mean it."

"How do you know that?"

"I know him, I can tell he's struggling still, but I feel you'll help, whether he wants it or not." Mouse says, and then there's a pause.

"If you change your mind our group gets out at five, can you at least think about it?"

"I'll think about it. Are you doing ok though?" She asks sincerely.

"Yeah, I'm good."

"Good, well it was nice hearing from you Mouse."

"You too Erin." He says, and then they hang up.

XXXXXX

A few days later Mouse calls her again, she's still hesitant to go see Jay, but a couple hours later she finds herself slowly walking behind one of the rehab staff members, as the short blonde escorts her to the room assigned to Jay, and Mouse.

"Erin?" She hears from behind them.

"Hey." She says shyly, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"What are you doing here?" He says, but his voice doesn't hold that same coldness it did the last time they saw each other.

"I'll leave you be." The staff member says, before looking at the iPad in her hand, and walking off.

"Mouse called a few days ago, and today-" She begins, with a little chuckle; cutting herself off, and he thinks _'I'm going to kill him.'_

"But standing here, I feel pretty stupid, I shouldn't have come. I'm sorry." She says, turning to walk away, but he gently grabs her bicep, and she turns her head to look at his hand.

"You have no reason to apologize. I'm sorry for being such an ass to you." He says, and she relaxes a little, with his hand still on her arm, her skin tingling a little as she looks into his memorizing eyes for the first time in weeks. But it's almost as if it's the first time she's truly seeing him. He eventually releases her arm, and takes a small step back.

"You were an ass, but I know that I was being too pushy too." She says after a beat, and it causes him to chuckle, and rub the back of his neck and she smiles at that.

"You were just the right amount of pushy, and I'm thankful, Mouse is too." He says, and she's not sure what to say, so she just nods once.

"Sorry, do you have somewhere to be?" She asks, when he looks down at his watch.

"I was just going to watch the game, you a Cubs fan?"

"Yeah." She says

"Do you want to watch with me?"

"Sure." She says, and he gives her a weak smile, before opening the door just in front of them.

He sits down on the office chair near the desk, and she takes a look around the nice sized room. She can tell which side is whose. On one side there's clothes, and blankets tossed haphazardly on floor, and bed, while on the other side the bed is made perfectly, and the shoes are lined up nicely at the foot of the bed; no dirty clothes in site. She remembers how Mouse's room looked the night that they were brought here, so she thinks that the messy side is his. Her eyes travel along the bare, light grey walls, before landing on Jay as he messes with the antennae attached the TV. His back muscles flexing underneath the dark blue t shirt he's wearing, and her eyes move down the length of his back, and back up again, before she tries to focus on something else. She looks at the TV as a colorful image pops up. She thinks that the small electronic is one of their personal TVs since most facilities like this don't have a TV in each room. He leans over to turn up the volume, and then looks back at her.

"You can sit on the bed, if you want, or you can sit here if you'd prefer."

"The bed is fine, thank you." She says, and he nods as she takes a seat. He scoots the chair back a little, and she wonders if he notices just how close he got to her, before looking at the TV.

"So have you lived in Chicago your whole life?" He says, when the first commercial comes on.

"Well I've lived in Illinois my whole life, but my family didn't move to Chicago until I was fifteen." She answers, and he nods.

"Where'd you live before?"

"Geneva." She says

"What about you? Have you always lived in Chicago?" She asks

"Yeah, the house my dad lives in was my childhood home." He says, looking back at the TV when the game comes back on. They make small talk mostly during commercials well into the fourth inning, and then Mouse walks in.

"I don't see why we have a time limit in the computer-" Mouse begins to say, but stops when he sees Erin. His eyes go wide, before he looks down.

"Sorry, I'll come back later." Mouse says, and Erin shakes her head.

"Actually I should probably head out." She says as she stands up.

"I'll walk you out." Jay says as he stands too. Mouse doesn't say anything else, he just walks to his bed, and begins watching the game.

"You're not too mad at him, right?" She says as they near the front door.

"Nah, I'm glad you came." He says, while she signs out on the guest sheet.

"Me too, it was nice." She says, and he nods.

"Maybe we can do it again sometime." He says nervously.

"I'd like that." She says with a smile.

"Great, next game is on Saturday."

"I'll let you know if I can come." She says, and he looks a little disappointed, but he smiles, and nods.

"Ok well goodnight." He says, and she waves, and says "Goodnight." Back.

He walks back towards his room, thinking he might have scared her away, but on Thursday as he's walking back from a therapy session, a guy named Julio tells him that he has a phone call. Jay walks to the booth, and cautiously picks up the old phone.

"Hello?" He says, and he's feels giddy when he hears her voice.

"Hello, Jay?" She says, and he smiles when she says his name.

"Yeah."

"Hey, are you still up for the game on Saturday?" She asks

"Definitely."

"Ok, do you know if I can bring food in?"

"I think so."

"How does pizza sound?"

"Sounds amazing." He says, and she laughs.

"Great, it's a date." She says, and he chuckles at her excitement, but he can't help but feel just as excited to see her again.


	6. Chapter 6

He just sits there, staring at the wall, even after the rest of the guys in the group leave. His eyes trained on the American flag hung on the wall, but that's not what he sees. His vision is blurred by the dark grey smoke coming off the Humvee, and the tan sand stained a deep red from blood. He doesn't hear the therapist to the side of him asking him what he's seeing, and thinking. Nor does he hear him tell him he'll give him some time. And he doesn't notice when he walks out of the room; giving him some space to gather himself. The time goes by unnoticed too, and soon enough the baseball game starts.

XXXXXX

Erin gets there a little after the game has started, and she signs herself in on the guest list, before walking towards the ' _Gerwitz/Halstead'_ room. When she gets there she takes a deep breath before knocking. No one answers so she waits a few moments before knocking again, but still no answer. She places her ear against the door, listening for the TV, but she's met with silence. So she just waits outside the room; with her back against the wall, and a hot pie in her hand. She busies herself on her phone for a while, and then she hears Mouse. He's talking in a hushed tone to another guy, as they walk towards her. When he notices her his eyes go wide much like they did at the beginning of the week.

"Hey Mouse." Erin says, and he almost looks at her confused. The other guy, says something else that Erin doesn't catch, before he disappears into his room.

Mouse replies with "Hey, uh Erin I didn't know you were coming by." Then he runs his hand over the back of his neck. "Does Jay know you were stopping?" He questions

"We were just going to watch the game, but he hasn't shown, I figured he had a session or something that was running late." She says, and he fidgets uncomfortably before her.

"Uh yeah you could say that." Mouse mumbles

"What does that mean?" She asks as her eyebrows furrow with worry.

He responds with "I don't think Jay will be up for the game today, maybe another time."

"Oh, ok." She whispered as he walks closer to his door, and just as she's about to start walking back towards the entrance, she stops him.

"You would tell me if there was something wrong, right?" She questioned

"Yeah."

"Would you really?" She asks, not truly believing him, but he nods again.

"Ok, I guess I'll talk to you guys later then." She adds with a shrug

"I uh, I'll let Jay know you came." Mouse murmurs

"Thanks, bye Mouse." Erin concludes before she walks away.

XXXXXX

The group often brings up events that happened overseas, what they went through is why they're here, but something about Tom's story caused Jay to have a flashback. It's like having a nightmare while he's awake. He's unmoving, and he can't get pulled out of it until the memory ends. The flashback ends, and he still sits there for a few more moments before getting up and going back to his room. When he walks through the door, Mouse is reclined in his bed with his hand behind his head, and the other is laying on his chest. The TV is on, and the baseball game playing, but Jay doesn't stop to watch, or even check the score instead he just grabs a towel, and clean clothes before going to the showers.

The warm water running down his body helps clear his mind, in the exact way he hoped, so he stays there until his fingers and toes become pruned. He gets dressed, not caring to dry himself off all the way. Then he heads back to their room once again. Mouse is sleeping, in the same position he was in before, and the game recap is playing on the TV. Jay throws his dirty clothes into his hamper, hangs the towel to dry, and turns the TV off, then he remembers that Erin was supposed to come to watch the game with him. He wonders if she decided not to come or if she came, and was sent away. He thinks about it, about her, and he's not sure why, but he feels himself calm slightly. Eventually slipping into a peaceful slumber, that quickly becomes dark, and it's not long before he's being woken up by Mouse, who he takes a swing at accidentally.

"You alright man?" Mouse questions, when he sits back down on his bed.

"Yeah I'm fine." Jay grumbled. He's grateful Mouse just nods his head, and walks back to his bed. He lays back down, and rubs his eyes.

"What'd you see?" Mouse asks a few moments.

"Tom was talking about how his unit got ambushed." Jay begins, but stops.

"It reminded you of the day we lost our unit." Mouse states, and Jay nods. Mouse isn't looking at him, in fact they're both staring at the ceiling, but he knows the answer.

"It's like I'm right back there, climbing out of the Humvee, and seeing the smoke, and the bloody sand. I remember how hot the sand felt under my hands as a crawled over to the side, and then stood up to walk to the Humvee in front of us. I thought they were all dead, but then I got to Joe, and he moved, and groaned. I knew he was in bad shape, but I thought maybe he'd make it through. He knew he wasn't coming home, not alive at least. His last words were to tell them he loves them, and then his eyes closed, and his breathing stopped. I begged for him to stay with me, and go meet his son, even after I knew he was gone. I could have tried to bring him back, I should have tried." Jay confessed.

"Jay there's nothing you could have done." Mouse retorted and then the room falls silent again for a while, but they know the other is awake.

"Do you think there will ever be a time where that's not the first thing that comes to mind when someone talks about a memory or a nightmare of their time over there?" Jay wonders after a bit.

"I'd like to think so, but I don't know man." Mouse answers honestly.

XXXXXX

The next day Jay doesn't want to leave the room, opting out of going to his therapy session in the morning. Mouse is surprised when he comes in at around noon, and sees his best friend still laying on the bed. He was hoping to invite Erin back to watch the game with Jay today, but she didn't answer. And seeing his roommate in the same state as he was in this morning, makes Mouse glad she was busy. He has a group session in a half hour, but he wanted to check the game. He grabs the remote off the nightstand next to his bed, as he sits down.

"You know Erin came by yesterday." Mouse mentions

"How do you know?" Jay asks quietly

"I was the one that told her you weren't up for the game." Mouse stated

Jay just replies with "Thanks." as he looks at the small screen.

"You know she seemed concerned, but also a little sad when I told her." Mouse adds after a few minutes, and Jay just gives a noncommittal hum.

"So are you going to reschedule your date?" Mouse asks next.

"Can we not talk about this, or anything please?" Jay asks

Mouse nods, and responds with a simple "Sure." They both watch the game.

"But it was supposed to be a date, right?" Mouse questions after another few minutes.

"Mouse." Jay warns

But Mouse persisted "Come on Jay, just answer the question."

"I don't know, I guess it was supposed to be." Jay admits

"Did you want it to be?" Mouse nags

"I don't know." Jay says.

"You don't know, or you don't want to admit that it was a date?" Mouse questions, and Jay chuckles lightly.

"I guess it was a date, but it also seemed too lame to be a date." Jay answers honestly.

"Do you like her?" Mouse inquires

"Nope not at all, just wanted to spend sometime getting to know her for the hell of it." Jay answers, and Mouse rolls his eyes at him, and then he drops it, and the conversation stops, and for twenty minutes the room is silent other the sounds of the baseball game playing on their TV. Mouse looks at the clock on the wall, and gets up from his bed slowly.

"I'll see you after group." He says to Jay as he makes his way to the door.

"You should reschedule your date with her, she might cheer you up." Mouse insists

"Bye Mouse." Jay concurs, and Mouse leaves with a dimpled smile on his face.

Jay continues to watch the game for a bit, before he gets up, and walks to the desk to look for the little scrap of paper. When he finds it, he holds it between his thumb, and index finger for a minute before leaving the room. He walks straight to the phone booth and dials her number.


	7. Chapter 7

It's been a hell of a week, and he's counting down the minutes until she gets there. He's looking forward to the distraction her company might bring. He springs to his feet when there's a knock, and he rolls his neck, before opening the door. She's standing there, looking down at the red, and brown cardboard in her hand. Then her eyes meet his, and she gives him a smile, her dimples stirring something up inside him, something he can't quite put his finger on, but he can tells it's good. The thoughts plaguing his mind throughout the week get pushed aside, as she tucks some of her golden blonde hair behind her ear, and readjusts the pizza box, and soda in her hand.

"Sorry, let me take that for you."

"You don't have to, but thanks." She mumbles and he smiles at that, as he gently takes the stuff out of her hands. He then turns to walk back into the room, and places the pizza, and sodas on the desk. Erin walks in, and immediately notices the difference in the room since her last visit. Mouse's side looks almost exactly the same, but now instead of Jay's side being pristine, the shoes are no longer in a neat line at the foot of the bed, one pair in particular is off the mat, and tossed to the side. His bed was left unmade, and his hamper is over flowing a little. He notices her looking around the room, and he feels a little flustered, and quickly goes to make his bed.

"Sorry." He repeats as he tucks in the sides, and straightens the pillows.

"It's ok." She whispers, feeling bad for making him feel self conscious.

"So how have you been?" Jay asks, after he sits down on the bed.

"Busy, but good." She answers.

"That's good."

"Yeah, I guess. How bout you?" She asks, and he tenses a little.

"Good." He lies, and even though it was only one word, his voice cracks, and he looks away from her eyes to say it.

"I know we don't really know each other Jay, but you can tell me the truth." She hints, and it seems as though he's not going to respond when the sound of the game fills the room, and she turns attention to the TV. But out of her peripheral she can see him look down, and then his mouth open, close and then open again.

"It's just been a rough week." He adds, with a sad chuckle, and she turns her body towards him

"Do you want to talk about it?" She questions, and she feels like she knows the answer, so when he replies with

"Not really." In a whispered tone, she's not surprised.

It's not that he doesn't want to tell her, actually if he's being honest with himself, he already feels more comfortable with her than almost anyone else, but he doesn't want to burden her with the darkness that he carries. She sees the wheels spinning in his head, and reaches over to place her hand on his knee, before turning back towards the TV. He squeezes her hand, and gets her attention back on him, then he takes a deep breath.

"Maybe another time." He suggests, and her eyes stay locked on him as he talks, and hangs his head low.

"Whenever you're ready." Erin states, and he looks at her again at those words.

"Thanks." He says, and they both look at the game. They watch and eat quietly, and even once the last piece is gone, they mostly sit in silence unlike last time, that is until the bottom of the sixth, and the Cubs call a time out.

"So what made you want to become a cop?" He asks.

"Umm, my foster dad was a cop, and I wanted to follow in his footsteps, and hope to help this city, and people like me."

"That's cool."

"What did you want to do growing up?" She asks

"Actually I started going to school to become a firefighter before and after my first tour, and I got my bachelor's in fire science, but then I got redeployed a few months before I was set to graduate from the fire academy." He says, and she's surprised again, and she smiles at him.

"That's great Jay. Are you going to go back, and finish?" She asks next.

"I don't know, I don't think I want to become a tool like that guy you were with a few weeks ago." He jokes, giving her a smile of his own, and she playfully smacks his shoulder, and laughs.

"He really got to you, huh?" She says.

"Not at first, not until I thought he was your boyfriend, then I was more disappointed than anything." He admits quietly.

"But when he started throwing punches, that's when I got pissed." He adds

"Well I don't think you'll become a tool." She says with a light chuckle, and he laughs at that.

"Are you sure? I guess I can become a tool, if that's your thing." He implies with a shrug.

"Such a nice offer, but" she begins, but stops as they lean in slowly, their breathing becoming heavier by the second, and their faces get closer. Then their lips meet, and it's combination of things. It's the sparks, the butterflies, and it's everything neither of believed existed. The kiss deepens, and Jay pulls her body closer to him, just before their lips break apart; their lungs screaming for air.

"Tools are definitely not my thing." She whispers against his lips, and he smiles and attaches his lips to hers again.

"You should really consider going back." She adds, with a peck and he nods. Their attention gets pulled from each other one more time when Mouse walks in. Jay notices that the game is over, and Erin must notice too he thinks as she stands from the bed.

"Hey." Mouse says, and Jay nods.

"Hey Mouse." Erin mumbles behind her hand, as she tries to hide her swollen lips from him.

"They win?" Mouse asks as he walks towards his bed.

"Looks like it." Jay replies; nodding at the TV, causing Mouse to give him a smug grin.

"Ok well goodnight Mouse." She adds as she and Jay stand up. They leave the room, and he walks her to the front, just like he did the last time she visited him.

"He seems to have quite the timing." Erin jokes, and he laughs lightly as he scratches the back of his neck.

"Yeah he sure does." He says in agreement.

"Maybe we could watch the game somewhere else next time?" He suggests nervously, as they near the entrance. She turns towards him, and stands on the tip of her toes.

"How's Friday at my place sound?" She offers quietly, her lips brushing against his.

"Sounds perfect." He agrees, before kissing her, before she turns to sign herself out.

"May I have a piece of paper please?" She asks to the staff member behind the desk. The guy hands her a blank piece of paper, and she uses one of the pens to write down her address.

"I'll see you then." He sighs, not really wanting her to leave yet and she nods.

"Goodnight Jay."

"Goodnight Erin." He replies back, and then she leaves.

XXXXXX


	8. Chapter 8

A few months later Erin gets a call late at night. She almost doesn't turn it over to see who it is, but something tells her that she'll want to talk to the person on the other end. Just seeing his name makes her smile, and when she answers and hears his voice, the butterflies in her stomach erupt.

"Hey." Jay says; soundly almost as if he's in trouble, and it has her standing from her couch, and sliding on her shoes, and a sweatshirt.

"Jay is everything ok?"

"Yeah everything's fine."

"Oook?"

"I don't suppose you'd want to meet me at the pizza place by your place would you?"

"I'll be right there." She says as she leaves her apartment; even though he said everything's ok, she can't help but think it's not.

XXXXXX

"Hey what's up?" She says as leans down give him a kiss, going to the opposite side of the table. He looks and messes with the large slice of pizza on his plate and she sits across from him in the booth.

"Hey, uh nothing."

"So you called me here for nothing?" She asks with a grin on her face.

"I don't know."

"Come on Jay you know you can talk to me."

"Maybe I wanted to just hang out with you." He says quietly, and with his head down still. She follows his gaze down to the floor, and notices him kick the duffel bag by his feet. She contemplates asking him about it, but instead she plays along.

"Alright, so how was your day? How's therapy going?"

"Ok I guess, it's nothing new." He says looking up at her, and she knows he's telling the truth, because she can already tell when he's lying; he's a horrible liar.

She nods, as the waitress brings them more water.

"So you want to tell me why you brought your duffel bag with you to the pizza place?" Erin asks after a little bit.

"You saw it?"

"Yup, spit it out." She says before taking a bite of his pizza.

"I wanted out. The atmosphere is just, suffocating."

"Ok."

"So I signed myself out, and left, but then I realized I have no where to go."

"Well I think you're in luck, a friend of mine is looking for a roommate." Erin says jokingly, just before the waitress comes to ask, how their food is, and if they need anything.

"It's good, thanks." Erin says, as Jay gives the brunette a charming smirk.

"You've slept with her?" Erin states matter-of-factly, once the waitress walks away. She can't deny that she'll be a little jealous if she's right. They've been seeing each other for a couple months, and they haven't gone further kissing or making out. They've come close, but each time Jay has stopped it. She doesn't realize that he's afraid to let down his guard, he's afraid to let her all the way in, and get too close to him, because he's afraid that she'll leave him too. She's ok with it, but a part of her wants to know what it's like with him. What its like with a man who has a hard exterior, but a soft heart.

"What? No." Jay says; scrunching his nose, and lines appear on his forehead as his eyebrows furrow, and there it is she thinks. That's his tell, and she knows he's lying when he stumbles slightly with his next words.

"We played scrabble like once at her apartment." He says, and she looks at him briefly before looking at the woman behind the diner style counter.

"She's cute." She says.

"She is, but she's no you." He says honestly, and it causes Erin to blush.

"So can I stay with you?" He says after a beat.

"I don't know, you going to try to play scrabble with me too?"

"Maybe." He replies with a smirk, and she smiles back at him.

"I will be the perfect gentleman, I promise." He adds next, before finishing his pizza. Once he's done she leans over the table to give him a kiss.

"I think we can work something out." She whispers against his lips.

XXXXXX

When they get to her apartment, he walks straight to the couch, as she tosses her keys onto the table, and kicks her shoes off. She then walks over to the couch too, and sits down next to him. He's looking down again, and she looks at him as she reaches over, and runs her hand through his hair, down his neck, and back up again.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?" She asks, and he shrugs.

"Nothing really happened, I just don't feel like me staying there is helping." He says

"Do you feel the urge to drink?"

"Not really."

"I know I can't tell you if something's working for you babe, and I'm not going to try to convince you to go back but that's a big thing isn't it? Something had to have helped."

"I guess, but it's not like I was addicted to alcohol, it just helped numb everything. I could have stopped if I wanted, but the truth is I didn't really want to give it up before."

"That makes sense, and what about the nightmares?" She says next, realizing how much she probably sounds like a therapist, just trying to get it out of him instead of actually caring, but she does care, but she's afraid that if divulges into one specific thing that he'll shut down or shut her out.

"I still have them, but not like before, and on certain nights I'm fine."

"Have you noticed if there's something different about those nights?"

"Yeah the last one I had, I stayed up, and I realized that the nightmares come when I don't-" He says but doesn't finish. _'Maybe this was a mistake._ _I don't want to burden her.'_ He thinks

"I can handle it Jay." She says, and he takes a deep breath.

"They're the nights I don't see you." He says, and she gasps lightly. She wasn't expecting that.

"I know that it may seem ridiculous, but it's true. You've been my rock, and something about just being with you makes me feel better." He adds, and she gives him a sad smile, before leaning over to give him a slow, reassuring kiss.

"I've wanted to talk about it all, thinking that maybe it'll help on the nights that we're apart. But then I remind myself that I shouldn't burden you."

"Jay you're not burdening me, I'd be happy to listen, especially if you think it'll help. I'm here for you twenty four seven." She says, and he sits there quietly for a minute, processing her words. It's then that he decides to truly let her in, and he looks over at her, and gently pulls her toward him. The kiss they share is gentle, and slow, as he flips them so she's under him and he pulls his lips away briefly to make sure she's ok.

"Thank you." He says, and she nods as her eyes darkening by the second but hold no reservations, and her skin is already tinged pink, so he dives in again. His hands snaking around her to unclasp her bra, and then they move to the hem of her shirt. He looks at her one more time, and this time she leans forward, and attaches her lips to his. Their lips break apart again, as he holds her back off the couch as he peels her shirt, and bra off with his other hand. Then he decides to pick her up, and carry her to her room where he then lays her down again. He looks down at her as he removes his own shirt. Erin squirms on the bed as his sculpted body gets revealed to her, when his jeans come off the throbbing between her thighs intensifies, and she bites her lip to hold back the moan rising in her throat. She's so busy staring at abs, and the v at his hips that leads to the bulge beneath his boxers, that she doesn't even notices that he's moved on to her jeans until she feels the rough tug. She giggles lightly as she lifts her hips to help him, and soon enough her jeans and underwear land on the floor with a soft thud. She scoots back a little, before he crawls over her. He kisses her all over, and she does the same before their hands join in removing his boxers. Her back arches, and their chests press together when he slides into her.

XXXXXX

Their breathing has slowed, and their hearts have stopped hammering in their chests, but neither of them have been able to say a word since falling over the edge. They lay together beneath the lilac sheets. Her head, and hand lay on his chest, and abdomen. Her leg is thrown over one of his, and he's moving one of his fingers up and down her spine. His lips land on her head, every so often, and she pepper kisses around his neck, and peck. He looks down at her, and leans forward to kiss her, before she climbs off of him, and out of the bed. She picks up his shirt, throws it on, and goes to the kitchen to grab them each a glass of water. While she's gone he puts on his boxers, and then sits down. She walks back in after turning off the lights in the living room. She hands him a glass, and sets the other one down on the nightstand. He takes a sip, before putting the glass down next to hers as she walks to the bathroom. He waits for her to get back, before he stands up, and grabs her as she goes to lay down.

"I'll see you in the morning." He says, and she looks at him confused.

"Where are you going?" She asks as he kisses her pouty lips, and she loops her fingers in the waistband of his boxers.

"To the couch." He answers, and she turns them, and pulls him towards the bed.

"Erin." He says, and she gives him a look.

"Jay." She says back.

"Stay." She adds as she kneels on the bed.

"I don't know."

"Please?" She says, sticking out her bottom lip. He smiles at her, and leans down to give her another kiss. He nods, and gets in the bed with her. They get comfortable, and she cuddles into him, and kisses his peck once more, before looking up and kissing his lips.

XXXXXX

She's tracing the lines of his abs in a way that's both lulling him to sleep, and keeping him awake.

"What are you thinking about?" He asks, his voice dripping with honey, as he becomes more and more drowsy.

"Nothing."

"Come on, I tell you what's on my mind." He says, and she looks up at him like he's crazy; causing him to chuckle.

"Sometimes." He says

"That's better." She says next.

"So you're really not going to tell me?" He asks after a few more minutes. She sits up, a stoic look on her face.

"I don't want you to freak out." She says, and he feels himself begin to do exactly that as she continues to avoid eye contact. He sits up, and cups her face between his hands, his thumb running over the smooth skin of her cheek.

"What's going on?"

"This, tonight, was-" She begins, but cuts herself off, and looks down again. His heart is hammering so hard in his chest he's pretty sure she can hear it.

"You think it was a mistake." He says, and she looks back up at him then.

"No, god no Jay. It was amazing, but it made me realize-" She begins but then there's a pregnant pause.

"Realize what?" He asks impatiently, his hold on her tightening.

"That I'm falling for you." She says shyly. She's nervous, he can see that, but what he doesn't know is that she's never felt this way for anyone, like she does for him. She's not used to letting people in, just like him. He's panicking as he tries to think of what to say, and he sees the tears in her eyes as time stretches on, and he remains silent. This was what he feared most, he was afraid to let her in, and fall for her. He wishes he could rewind, and not call her tonight. He wants to go back to the way it was, but now it's too late. He doesn't say anything, and she nods, and blinks back the tears, and lays back down. She scolds herself for saying it out loud, and she fights the ping of pain in her chest and stomach, and the tingling in her fingers and toes as she wraps her arms around herself, and turns her back to him. He pulls her into him, and brings his arm to lay just beneath hers. She falls asleep eventually, or so he thinks, and that's when he slips out of the bed, but as he walks out of the room, her eyes open, and the tears fall from her eyes, and hit the sheets with a almost silent thud.

XXXXXX

In the morning she's surprised to see him still there, sleeping on the couch as she goes to make coffee. She calls Kelly to see if he's still looking for a roommate, as the coffee is brewing. Once it's done she pours herself a cup, drinks it, and then heads out for a run.

When he wakes up, he goes to the kitchen, and sees her note on the island. He pours himself a cup of coffee, and sits down as he waits for her. She gets back maybe twenty minutes later. Her hair falling out of the messy bun set on top of her head, her sweaty skin is flushed, and she's a little out of breath. She comes to an abrupt stop when she sees him sitting on one of the stools in her kitchen.

"Morning." She says quietly, as she looks down, and removes the ear bud from her ear.

"Morning." He repeats as she gets the stainless steel bottle of water out of the fridge.

"I um, I called my friend, he's still looking for a roommate, said you could come by later today if you want." She says as she takes a few sips as she walks around the island. He grabs her arm before she walks past him.

"Hey." He says, and she looks up at him.

"Erin I'm sorry about last night, I just-"

"It's ok, it's not a big deal, I really shouldn't have said anything." She says, shaking her head, and attempting to continue walking.

"I'm not good at this part, the whole feelings part."

"Me either, if that wasn't obvious." She says, trying to turn away from him, but he pulls her back again.

"Erin." He says

"I'm just going to take a shower, and then I can take you to see the condo."

"But-" He begins, but then he realizes he has to let her go, both figuratively and literally. So he lets go of her arm, and then she walks away.


	9. Chapter 9

He wasn't too happy when they got to the condo and found out that her 'friend' that was looking for a roommate was Kelly. But realizing he didn't really have any other option persuaded him to give it a try. He still went to group sessions, and he doesn't have to wait long before finding a job.

"Hey Terry wait up." Jay says as they leave the room where their meetings are held.

"Hey uh Jay, right?" The red haired, ex-marine asks.

"Yeah, I uh was just wondering if the place you're working at is still looking for more security personnel?"

"Yeah, Brianna the boss, she's cool, and prefers ex-military or cops to work with her product, and money."

"Product?" Jay asks confused.

"I work for a marijuana dispensary man." Terry says, and Jay thinks he's joking at first, but it turns out he's not.

"Still want the job?" Terry asks after a beat.

"Uh yeah please."

"I'll talk to the boss, but I'm sure she'll be happy to hire you, I'm headed there now actually, you want to come with?"

"Sure." Jay says, thinking that it'll only be temporary.

They exit the VA hospital, and hop in Terry's car. Jay almost sits on the black and white pictures that are lying on the seat, and he picks them up, looks at them, and smiles when he realizes what they are. Terry's mentioned that he and his wife are expecting, and he seems so excited. It seems as if the little being in the pictures, has the ability to make all the bad things that his father has been through disappear. Jay feels a little envious when Terry talks about his wife and baby, he sees the way his eyes light up, and he wonders if he'll ever have that. His thoughts then go to Erin, and he thinks about how she has been his light, but he ruined that, and he's not sure what to do to fix it, or if he should do anything at all.

"Sorry, I've tried keeping those up here, but they keep falling." Terry says, gently taking the pictures out of Jay's hand.

"When's he due?" Jay asks as Terry looks at the photos, and reattaches them to the visor above the steering wheel.

"We got 8 weeks left."

"That's exciting, congrats." Jay says

"Thanks." Terry says, as they turn off the street.

"So what about you? You have kids?" Terry asks with caution

"No."

"You married?"

"No." Jay repeats quietly.

"What about the woman you used to talk about?"

"What about her?" Jay asks as nicely as he can.

"I haven't heard you talk about her in a few weeks."

"Yeah, I uh messed that up."

"Look I'm no therapist, in fact my wife would probably laugh if she heard me giving anyone relationship advice seeing as how I'm always doing something or another to piss her off, but I think you should do whatever you can to fix things with-" He starts, but looks at Jay to say her name.

"Erin." Jay says, and Terry nods as he refocuses on the road.

"Erin, it seemed like she was good for you. You could tell just by the way you'd talk about her." Terry says as he parks the car in front of a warehouse type building. Jay's stunned to silence as he continues to sit in the seat for a few moments, even after Terry gets out of the car. He eventually gets out too, and gets introduced to Terry's boss Brianna. Jay notices how she stares at him while Terry explains that he's looking for a job, and the way her eyes travel up and down his body several times. She doesn't seem to have listened to a word Terry said, but hires Jay almost instantly. Terry offers to show Jay around, but Brianna tells him that she has some paperwork for him to fill out, and then she'll show him around herself. Terry says goodbye to Jay, and goes to work. Jay and Brianna go into the office, and do as she says, but instead of taking him on a tour of the dispensary she gets called away, and Jay leaves. He looks down at his cell phone as he exits the building, ordering a ride.

XXXXXX

As he's walking up to the loft he debates on rather or not he should call Erin. Terry's words replaying in his head and the thoughts from earlier come back to him. He slowly presses the green circle on the bottom of the screen.

"Hello." She says, and he makes him mad when he hears how sad she sounds. He's not sure if it's because of him, or if she just had a bad day, but he wants to go to her, and hold her, but at the same time he can't tell if that would make things better or worse.

"Hello? Jay?" She says, and he realizes that he hasn't said anything.

"Hey, I was wondering if I could bring over some food, and we could maybe watch the game, and talk."

"I loved to Jay, but I actually got pulled up to Intelligence to help work a case tonight, but if everything works out we could maybe do it tonight, or tomorrow night." She says excitedly.

"Oh ok, well umm be safe, and I'll talk to you later." He murmurs

"Thanks, and yeah talk to you later." She says, and then the line goes dead. He looks down at his screen as it goes black, and then he takes his keys out of his pocket. He and Kelly almost run into each other as Jay walks in just as Kelly is about to walk out.

"Hey." Kelly says, and Jay nods in acknowledgment

"Hey." Jay says back.

"I'm going to go out to watch the game, you want to tag along?" Kelly asks, and Jay nods as he puts his keys back in pocket.

"Sure."

"Look Jay, I know it's been a while, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for that night at Molly's, and I had no reason to be an ass. There's nothing between Erin and I, and there never has been. She's actually more like a little sister to me."

"I appreciate that, and I'm sorry too." Jay says back, and Kelly nods.

"You should call her, you know." Kelly says as he locks the door.

"I talked to her just before I came in actually."

"Good so maybe she'll stop asking me how you're doing every day." Kelly adds, and Jay looks at him baffled

"She's probably going to kill me for saying that to you, but oh well." Kelly says, and Jay chuckles at that knowing full well that Erin would probably at least hit him for it. They go to a wing place, and sports bar, and Jay swallows hard when the smell of various kinds of alcohol wafts his nose, and questions whether or not he should have come.

"So Erin's mentioned that you have a bachelor's in fire science?" Kelly says breaking Jay out of his trance.

"Uh yeah."

"You thought about going to the academy?"

"Yeah I have."

"What's stopping you?"

"I don't know." Jay answers, as he looks ahead at the bar, and sees a guy getting a new bottle of beer

"It might be a nice, healthy distraction."

"Did she tell you everything?" Jay asks almost angrily as he looks back at his roommate

"You mean other than that you had your bachelor's, no, but I can tell when someone has struggled or is struggling." Kelly says, and Jay looks down at the soda in front of him.

"You shouldn't doubt her, cause she'd never just spill your deep dark secrets like that, no matter who it was that was asking, that's just who she is." Kelly says, and Jay nods. The game starts, and the conversation simmers to minimum until Matt, and Capp join them. The three firefighters eventually convince Jay to go to the academy.

XXXXXX


	10. Chapter 10

Turns out the case she's working didn't get solved that night, or the night after. In fact, it still hasn't be closed, and it's been two weeks. They call each other here, and there, but she either doesn't answer or she can't talk long. He hasn't even been able to tell her that he got a job. He's knows she's busy, but he can't help but think it also has to do with the last night they saw each other. It's as if she heard him thinking about her, because as his hand is reaching for the door handle, his phone rings. He looks down and smiles as her name flashes on the screen.

"Hey." She answers, her voice groggy.

"Hey. What's up?"

"Nothing, I just feel like we haven't talked for a while."

"I know you're busy with the case."

"Actually we closed the case this morning, and we were all given a few days off. I was wondering if maybe you'd want to come over." She suggests, and he feels his heart flutter with excitement. He knows by how much he misses her that he's falling for her too. Truth be told, he's already fallen for her, and if it's not too late he's going to be sure to tell her when he sees her.

"I'd love to, but I have to be to work at noon. But if I can pick up my truck today, I can stop by for a little bit before I go."

"Yeah I'd like that, and you can tell me about this job I didn't know about." She replies, and he smiles at that.

"Ok I'll see you soon." He adds before hanging up. He continues into the garage, and the mechanic behind the desk recognizes him right away.

"I was just about to call you." The guy greets.

"Please tell me it's ready."

"It's as good as new, I just need you to sign some stuff."

"I don't owe anything else?" Jay asks, and the guy looks at the computer, and then shakes his head, and hands Jay the sheets that just came out of the printer. Jay signs where he's told to, then slides the paper back towards the guy in front of him.

"I'll go pull it out for you."

"Great thanks." Jay says, as the guy grabs the keys off of one of the hooks on the wall behind the desk. Jay walks back out the door he just walked in, and soon enough his grandpa's old Bronco is being driven out of the garage and parked in front of him. The mechanic gets out and leaves the door for Jay. Jay thanks him again before closing the door and buckling his seatbelt. Erin's apartment is only a few blocks away from the garage, so he gets to her place quickly. He finds a parking spot in record time, and enters the apartment building. He bids his heart to slow as he climbs the stairs to her floor; it seems to work until he's standing in front of her door. He knocks twice, and he soon hears her soft footsteps nearing the door before it's being unlocked, and pulled open. She's wearing an old baseball shirt, and a pair of shorts, her hair tossed to the side, and her face free of the light make-up she usually wears. He steps towards her, and she gives him a tired smile. It's all he needs before he pulls her into him, and kisses her deeply, blindly closing the door with the hand that is wrapped around her back.

"I've missed you." He whispers to her when they pull apart, out of breath.

"I've missed you too." She says back

"I'm sorry about that night." He blurts nervously. "Truth is I've fallen for you too, I guess I was just afriad to say it out loud too soon."

"I'm sorry too, if I hadn't said anything that night wouldn't have been ruined." She confesses.

"It wasn't ruined." He argues and she gives him a look that has him chuckling lightly. "Ok, so it didn't end the way we would have liked, but we have time to make up for it." He adds; both of them raising their eyebrows before he leans in; giving her a few more pecks as she starts to pull him towards her room.

XXXXXX

"Wow." He says as she plops down on top of him, their sweaty, bare chests pressed tightly together as she rests her head between his pecs. His member is still buried inside of her, as their breathing slowly returns to normal.

They stay in bed for a little bit longer before Erin puts her shirt and panties back on and venturing out to the kitchen. He puts his boxers back on before following her. They eat lunch and catch up with each other. He tells her that he's going to be going to the fire academy and talks about his job before he leaves for work with a promise to come back when he gets off.

XXXXXX

Three months later

Brianna gave them money to deposit, so now they're sitting in the back of the black SUV. He and Terry each have a gun strapped to them as the talk about Terry's one month old son. But their conversation is cut short when the SUV comes to an abrupt stop, causing both Jay and Terry to lurch forward and look to the front of the vehicle for an explanation.

"What the hell is this guy doing?" Heath, the driver, explains when the other two men glance at him, their eyes questioning.

Jay looks out the windshield and sees a small, old car coming to a brief stop under a bridge before going again.

"Let's just get to the bank." Jay says patting the back of the driver's seat, but just as Heath starts driving again, a burning car falls from the bridge.

"Reverse, Heath reverse!" Jay shouts, reaching over to switch gears. "Heath step on it!" Jay yells next, but it's too late. There's already a black pick-up pulling up behind them, and masked gunmen start shooting. Jay and Terry open the doors and begin firing back.

"Move! Move!" Jay adds when the gun shots cease briefly.

"Leave it, leave it!" Jay shouts when Terry tries to grab the suitcase full of cash still sitting on the back seat. Terry and Jay both go to the other side of their doors, as two more gunman come around to the side, and start taking shots at Jay. He shoots back, maneuvering around the vehicle just as Terry moves to take cover behind a concrete pillar.

"Terry, no!" Jay yells, but it's too late, and he watches as Terry gets hit. He goes to pull him to safety and fumbles with his phone in attempt to call for help. While he dials 911, two of the men come to get the cash; one collects the bag—Jay shoots him in the back—but the other shooter managed to get a shot off in Jay's direction. The sound of screeching tires echoes around them as the black pick-up truck reverses out from under the bridge.

Heath makes his way to Jay and Terry, who are both bleeding out, and he leans down to help them as the sirens get closer and closer. The retired DEA agent feels guilty when he feels the life leave one of the young men before him, but he gently leans over to close his eyes, and then turns to focus on the one still clinging to life.

XXXXXX


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Shout out to queseraone and halsteadpd, both of you are the best humans and the most amazing friends. I hope everyone is having a good weekend. Enjoy!**

XXXXXX

"How's Terry?" The first words out of his mouth when he wakes up the next day are concern for his friend. He knows that someone is with him, and he doesn't even care to see who it is, he just needs to know that Terry made it out alright. He's met with silence, and it makes him open his eyes before he's ready to.

"I know you heard me." He snaps at Mouse as he turns to look at him.

"I'm going to go get the doctor."

"Damn it Greg, just tell me he made it." He yells, already knowing that he's not going to get the answer he's looking for.

"I wish I could tell you that man." Mouse says, turning back towards him.

"It should have been me, I could have taken the bullet for him. Maybe if I actually tried to stop him, it would have been me."

"Don't go down this road again; you can't blame yourself for every brother that's lost, Jay. Especially this- this is not on you."

"He's got a wife and a newborn. Just like Joe, he's got a little boy that he'll never get to hold again, or see grow up. He's got a family." Jay says.

"So do you, Jay."

"It's not the same. I don't have a kid that'll grow up without a father."

"You're right, it's not the same. But that doesn't mean that it should have been you."

"That's exactly what it means!" Jay yells.

"I know that this is bringing up some old memories, opening old wounds."

"This has nothing to do with what happened over there."

"Really? Because it sure as hell seems like this has _everything_ to do with what happened over there. You blame yourself for not shooting that woman and kid, just like you're blaming yourself for what happened yesterday." Mouse yells back.

"Maybe you should just go get the doctor." Jay interrupts.

"Fine." Mouse says as he walks out. The doctor comes in with a nurse a few minutes later. Mouse stays out in the hall and calls Erin.

"Mouse, how is he?"

"He's taking it pretty hard. The doctor is heading in there now." Mouse answers honestly.

"Ok I'm going to be on my way in a few." Erin says.

"No, he'd want you to focus on catching the guys that did this."

"I'm not a detective Mouse, I can't just demand that I be on a case."

"Right, well I'll see you in a bit."

XXXXXX

She gets there quickly, and Mouse is still standing out in the hallway.

"He's not talking to me anymore, maybe he'll open up to you." He admits, and she walks in cautiously.

"Hey." She says, and he looks over at her.

"Did you guys catch them?"

"Last that I heard, no, but if there's anything that you could tell me, I can tell Al and his unit."

"Did you guys try to track the chip in the bag?"

"I don't know, but I'll call to see." She says as she pulls out her phone. She calls the sergeant of the Intelligence unit, a man that's been like an uncle to her since she was fifteen.

"Hey Al, I'm at the hospital with Jay, and he said there was a chip in the bag."

"We got that from the owner of the dispensary, but we're trying to get a technical analyst that can track it."

"I thought your unit had its own technical analyst?" Erin questions quietly, with her back turned to Jay, and Mouse. Jay glances over at Mouse, and then looks back at Erin.

"Mouse can do it." Jay suggests to Erin, and she turns to look at him.

"Hang on Al." She says into the phone before pulling it away from her ear.

"Mouse can track the chip." Jay adds and Erin looks at Mouse.

"I can try." Mouse says shyly.

"Al." Erin says into the phone, making he was still on the line.

"Yeah."

"Can I bring in a civilian tech?" She asks, and he ponders for a minute before answering her.

"Yeah." He says.

"Ok we'll be right in." She concludes before hanging up. She walks closer to Jay, taking his hand in hers briefly, and looking at him.

"I'm fine Erin, you should go." He says quietly, and she nods with a sad smile.

XXXXXX

Once he's shown the room in the basement of District 21, Mouse gets straight to work. He's typing away for what seems like a few hours, but it was really only an hour before a little red dot pops up on a black and white map of the city. "It looks like the chip's last location was here." He points at the screen before sending Erin a text and she sends it to the unit.

Mouse and Erin leave to go back to the hospital at the same time the unit leaves for the raid.

A few hours later, Intelligence is parking their cars back in roll up, still dressed in all black with three perps in custody. Antonio makes sure to call Erin and let her know, but her phone goes to voicemail, so he sends her a text instead.

Both Mouse and Erin are seated in hospital chairs, taking turns sleeping. When Jay is awake he is closed off and quiet.

Even as the week passes and he gets released he doesn't seem to say more than a few sentences between his girlfriend and best friend.

XXXXXX

He attempts to pull his pants on as best as he can with one of his arms in a sling. His frustrated huffs let her know that he's having trouble, so she pulls her black dress on a little quicker in order to assist him. But when she gets to him, his hand stops her. She looks up at him.

"I can do it."

"Jay just let me help you." She says back.

"I'm good." He murmurs stubbornly, as he pulls the dark green slacks up to his waist. She nods her head and walks back towards the bathroom to remove the protective plastic covering the rest of his uniform. She hangs the dark green jacket up and cautiously makes her way back to him as he pulls his tie over his head. He avoids eye contact as she silently ties it for him. Once she's done, he goes to stand in front of the full length mirror in her room.

The drive to the church is silent, and when they get there they only say a few words to Terry's wife before going to take a seat. He sits there unmoving, eyes fixed on the picture of Terry next to his casket. Erin looks at him here and there, holding back tears as she takes in the mixed emotions on his face.

She wants to say something—anything—to him as they drive to the condo, but nothing feels right, so she stays quiet as he sits in the passenger seat. His hands are running up and down his thighs while he stares out the window.

"Thanks for coming with me." He says to her, once they get to the door of his and Kelly's place.

"Of course."

He unlocks the door and opens it a little. She moves to follow him, but then he stops her. "I uh, I think I just need some time alone." He says looking down at his hand with his keys briefly before he looks up and sees tears immediately flooding her eyes.

He's pushing her away again, and as much as she wants to tell him that she can help—that she wants to be there for him—she knows it'll be a feeble attempt. She doesn't want to make this about her because it's not about her at all. This is about him and the way he wants to deal with things.

"If that's what you want. Just know that I'm here for you if you need me." She mutters, and he nods. His expression is cold, but she can see the battle he's fighting in his head. She leans in and places a soft, slow kiss to his cheek before walking away. He watches her go and feels his heart ache even more, especially when he sees her hand go up to her face. Once she's out of sight, he opens the door the rest of the way and goes inside.

XXXXXX


	12. Chapter 12

Kelly takes a deep breath as he slowly opens the door to his shared condo. He tries to prepare himself for the state he'll find his roommate in. Over the last few weeks he's found Jay drunk more times than he could count. And when he wasn't drunk, Jay was just sitting on the couch staring at the wall. He walks in and sees a young brunette woman grabbing her jacket before almost walking into him. She mumbles an apology as she leaves. He throws his coat down on the chair and makes his way to the kitchen where he hears glasses clinking.

"You need help."

"What?" Jay snaps as he goes to take another swig.

"I get this feels like the easy way to get through things, the drinking and sleeping with random women."

"I didn't sleep with her."

"Hmm?" Kelly gives him a look of anger and confusion.

"I didn't sleep with her, I was going to but I didn't."

"Well regardless you still need help and I can promise you there's no answers at the bottom of any of these bottles." He gestures to the beer bottles on the counter. "When you're ready to get the help you need, let me know." Kelly concludes before leaving his roommate in the kitchen.

XXXXXX

A few hours later Jay is sitting on the couch, his head in hands when Kelly walks back out of his room.

"I don't know where to start but I do know, I need-." Jay starts and Kelly stops in his tracks and nods. "I need help."

Kelly nods and says, "You start at the academy on Monday."

XXXXXX

His days at the academy seem to fly by, but the nights are when his thoughts plague his mind. The idea of alcohol is just so alluring when he's supposed to be studying. Usually with a shake of his head he can push aside the temptation of driving to the nearest liquor store. But there's times where he actually gets into his truck and goes to the old brick building on the corner of the street. He's even purchased a couple bottles just to dump them down the drain when he gets back to the condo.

Somehow he gets to the day of graduation without so much as a drop of liquor.

XXXXXX

He's finishing up one of his first shifts as the candidate at Firehouse 51, lining up the hose properly when Stella walks up to him.

"We're all meeting up at Molly's tonight for Kelly's birthday if you want to join us."

He thinks about it for a minute while he continues to work.

"You don't have to Jay, but you guys have become friends and I just figured I'd ask."

"Thanks Stella, but I think I'll pass." Jay answers.

She nods. "Maybe next time." She concludes and it's his turn to nod. Stella walks away and Jay finishes his task before heading home.

XXXXXX

He stops at the grocery store on his way back to the condo. He's just grabbing a container of almond milk when he sees her. She seems to see him at the same time and a weak smile makes its way onto his face.

"Jay, hey." She greets bashfully, tucking some of her golden blonde hair behind her earas he walks closer to her.

"Hey, it's good to see you." He admits and she looks up then, seeing exactly how much closer he's gotten. They stare longing into each other's eyes for what seems like an eternity before she looks at his shirt.

"You too." She says as she tugs lightly the sleeve of his grey candidate shirt. "Look at you!" She adds with a little more excitement in her voice. Her eyes drink him in—marveling at the way he's grown out his facial hair and how his arms seem to be even more muscular. Her mouth becomes dry and she has to look away to calm herself down.

"Yeah, I uh, I owe a lot to Kelly." He mumbles.

"I'm glad you guys became friends." She mutters awkwardly.

"Look Erin, I know we didn't really end on the right foot."

"You were grieving."

"Still. I shouldn't have pushed you away."

"Maybe we shouldn't really talk about this in the middle of the supermarket?"

"Ok, well maybe we can talk back at the condo?" He suggests.

"Jay-"

"Come on Erin, just hear me out! Please? I'll even make you dinner." He pleads and he can tell she thinks it through.

"Ok, but I need to finish shopping and then I'll take this home and meet you there."

"Great." He concludes and then they go their separate ways.

XXXXXX

About an hour later she knocks lightly on the door of Kelly and Jay's condo. He opens the door quickly and Erin takes the outfit he's wearing now, admiring how the maroon colored Henley magnifies the muscles of his arms, chest and abdomen. He checks her out the same she is him before he lets her walk in. The smell of the dinner he's making wafts through her nostrils as she gets further in.

"Dinner is almost done." He explains as he passes her to get back the kitchen.

He wasn't lying. Within a few minutes the dinner he prepared is finished and he makes them each a plate. They make small talk in between bites and it continues while they do the dishes together. Then they move the couch and Jay turns on the hockey game for background noise. Both of their hearts pound in their chests as they think about what to say.

"I'm sorry." He finally blurts out. She looks at him in confusion, but she doesn't say anything. "I know I shouldn't have pushed you away that day. I just, I felt like I had already put you through so much—too much—and we hadn't known each other for that long. I didn't think it was fair to you."

"Everyone grieves in their own way. I was afraid to push back and lose you forever."

"You wouldn't have lost me Erin."

"I wasn't so sure of that Jay, you were slipping down a hole similar to the one you were in when we first met. I didn't want you to get in too deep."

"Yeah, but I was lucky to have a lot of people reaching in to pull me out. Like you." Jay states before pausing briefly. "Truth is Erin, even though we weren't together, you helped me get through Terry's death too. Every time I wanted to drink or drop out of the academy, I thought of you. I realized in our time apart how much I loved you and how I still love you." He admits and she looks at him in shock before she smiles and leans in. Their lips meet in a gentle kiss and then she pulls away a little.

"I love you too." She whispers before attaching their lips again.

They talk some more before turning their attention to the game that's already half over. She falls asleep a few minutes into the third period and he moves them around a little so they're chest to chest. He gently pushes her hair off her face and then kisses her forehead.

Later on, after he moves them to his room, he thinks about their future. He's grateful that the hole he dug himself wasn't too deep and he's even more grateful that she was the first one reaching in to pull him out.

XXXXXX

 **A/N: It's not exactly how I wanted it to end but I hope it was still enjoyable. Thanks to those of you that followed along and of course halsteadpd and queseraone for literally everything 3.**


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